LOVE LANGUAGE: Why You Guys Need a Secret Couples Code

Partners in life, partners in love, partners in escaping boring cocktail parties. It might not have been in the marriage vows, but that is an oversight that we need to correct. A married couple throughout their lives together will attend thousands of functions that one or both of them do not want to be at. That’s the nature of blending families, jobs, friends, and hobbies. That’s double the social obligations you had as a singleton. Increasing your social network creates greater bonds and joy in your life— with some very notable exceptions. Such as…your husband’s great uncle’s annual weenie roast, office Christmas parties with karaoke, your wife’s old camp friends reunion, fundraising galas without an open bar, conversations with the elderly about how things used to be and what horrible thing has subsequently replaced that, and anything that involves a slideshow of travel photos.

These trying events need to be viewed as a covert operation. Motto: “We are in it together, we offer support when needed, and we get the hell out as soon as it respectable to do so.” So often it seems like you have a great game plan on the car ride over. But then on the car ride home it’s “Why didn’t you save me?! I gave you the LOOK,” and “You seemed so interested in talking about the Blockbuster video that is now a vape shop. I thought you were saying we should stay longer!” No, no, married couples, this will not do. You need better, more strategic plan and you need it now. You need to develop a code, untraceable to the novice, but unmistakable to your fellow agents. I’ve come up with some options—only read on if you have the highest clearance levels. We can’t all use the same code, friends, so draw straws or divide up by alphabet.

Couples Code One: The “Exit” Strategy.

If you want to signal your partner that it is time to leave a conversation or event but can’t pull them away privately. Now is the time to name drop. Or exit drop. Work into the conversation the name of any freeway exit you are both familiar with. This gives you a lot of code words to work with so as to remain subtle for the civilians in earshot.

Couples Code Two: The Bat Signal.

This is a more desperate move. If your partner is across the room, then screaming “Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard!!” might be too obvious (and weird). You have your phone, but sending a text is overtly rude to the close-talker who has engaged you in a political debate at a child’s birthday party. You can however, flip on the flashlight function on your phone and gesture in the direction of your agent. This works for a seconds and then you can apologize and blame damn technology for malfunctioning.

Couples Code Three: The Wine Wiggle.

Most events will have a drink of some kind. Use it to your advantage as an updated SOS Morse code. Switch your glass back and forth between your hands the times in rapid succession. Then hold with two hands. Then switch again. The uninformed will just think you are a diligent wine swirler but your partner will know it’s time to begin extraction maneuvers.

These are some ideas to get you started. You can come up with your own (share some in the comments if they aren’t classified). The goal is to be prepared. Outline your operation, learn your covert language, and go forth ready to face any obstacle together.