How NOT to be Douchebags When Traveling: Airport Etiquette

So, this is a post that I think everyone couple needs to read. Let’s face it: no matter if you’re honeymooning, babymooning,  going on an awesome vacation, coming back from an awesome vacation, or just going on a business trip, being in the airport sucks. People are stressed running to their gates, it’s always crowded, and the food is terrible. Listen, we’re all in the same boat here but I really just need to point out a few things that could make everyone’s life a little easier and make traveling suck a little less. Here we go, a list of things you SHOULD NOT do when traveling that will make you less of an douchebag to the weary, stressed out people around you.

WEAR EASY TO REMOVE SHOES AND ACCESSORIES! You know what the worst part of traveling is to me? Waiting in the security line. You know what makes the line so long? Douchebags wearing shoes they can’t get off, 500 necklaces, and a chastity belt that apparently you need a security code to take off. I get it, you want to look good when traveling. However, the reality is it’s the airport, not the Paris runway. Wear something that is easy to remove and take off.

KEEP THE PDA TO A MINIMUM Make out in the car on the way to the airport. Make on in the taxi on the way to your destination. DO NOT smooch in the ticketing line. DO NOT kiss in the security line. DO NOT canoodle in your airplane seats. MAYBE join the mile high club, as long as you don’t bogart the toilet for too long.

ONCE YOU’RE THROUGH SECURITY, STEP ASIDE TO PUT ON YOUR SHOES! Don’t just stand there putting on your shoes, scarf, necklaces, and belt. There’s always an area past the security line where you can sit down and put on your shoes. How lovely!

DO NOT BRING STINKY FOOD ONTO THE PLANE! For the love of God, I know you’re hungry. Guess what, so is everyone else. You know what makes me not hungry? Smelling your stinky McDonalds or a pulled pork sandwich (yes, I’ve had that happen) for the next 4 hours. If you’re hungry and you want to eat that stuff, eat it at the gate. I have no problem with that! But, if you’re wanting something to snack on mid flight be a normal courteous person and grab a cold turkey sandwich or salad. Oh, and please no tuna fish. Thank you.

DO NOT FART ON THE PLANE! I get it, those tacos last night didn’t sit well. But you know what really doesn’t sit well? Me basically eating your farts for the next few hours. If you have to fart, go to the bathroom… or pop a beano. SOMETHING!

DON’T FIGHT IN PUBLIC! Just as you can stink up a plane with gas, you can contaminate the whole area with your domestic dispute. Whether you’re fighting over who gets the aisle seat, where you’re going to grab lunch after you land or why one of you spends so much money on magazines at the newsstand, keep it civil. Be an inspiration for love, not toxic.

♦ DO NOT TRY TALKING TO SOMEONE THE ENTIRE FLIGHT IF THEY DON’T WANT TO! Every once in a while, if I’m feeling super chatty and the person next to me is interesting I’ll like to talk to them for the flight. HOWEVER, I get really sleepy on planes. I don’t know why but I do so most of the time I don’t talk to anyone. SO, if the person next to you has their earphones in AND their eyes are closed, please don’t attempt to talk to them. They clearly don’t want to talk.

♦ IF YOU ARE SICK, PLEASE COUGH OR SNEEZE INTO YOUR HAND! I get it, you’re sick. Guess who doesn’t want to be sick and sit next to some person hocking up loogies the entire flight? Me. Kindly, cough quietly or sneeze into a freaking napkin. And PLEASE do not put that loogie, bacteria infested hankie into the seat pocket in front of you. EW.

♦ STOP HOGGING THE ARM RESTS! Listen people, everyone gets TWO arms rests. TWO! Yes, you do have to share at least one or two of them if you got stuck with the middle seat… but there is a keyword I just said: share. People  don’t understand this concept. If your big nasty arm is touching me or in my space, I’m not happy. Where am I going to put my arm? Think about it.

♦ IF YOU HAVE A CHILD THAT IS CRYING, PLEASE DO SOMETHING TO MAKE IT STOP! I understand that babies have a hard time on airplanes and that’s totally ok. I feel bad for the moms that are doing everything in their power to soothe their child. This isn’t for them. This is for those moms that just let them sit there screaming for 30 minutes and doing NOTHING to try and stop it. Please, for the baby and for everyone else, do something to make it stop. My ears beg of you.

WHEN THE PLANE LANDS, DON’T RUSH TO THE FRONT! This absolutely kills me. Guess what buddy, everyone is getting off the plane. Whether it’s 30 seconds earlier or not, we’re all getting off. Unless you’re going to miss your connecting flight there’s no need to push your way to the front. Be courteous. Help someone with a bag if they’re struggling. Maybe crack a smile for Pete’s sake.

WHEN WAITING FOR YOUR BAG IN BAGGAGE CLAIM, DO NOT BLOCK EVERYONE BEHIND YOU SO THEY CAN’T GET THEIR BAG! Want to hear something crazy? We’re ALL waiting for our bags. Not just you ahole. Nothing makes me more angry than when you’re being a polite person and waiting a few steps back, you see your bag, and have to elbow and push your way through a wall of douches to grab your bag. Not to mention you’re there struggling trying to pick it up and everyone just stares at you while you’re making a fool out of yourself. STAND BACK. Or, if you’re just an ahole and have to stand at the front, help someone get their bag if you see them struggling. Making the world a more peaceful place, one bag at a time.

BE AN INSPIRATION Give people a reason to believe in love. Be cute, but not cloyingly so. Joke around with each other, but don’t belittle. Be chivalrous, both to each other and to other’s in need around you. Make the world of travel a better place, and you’ll put your marriage in a better place.

Now that you know what is and is NOT ok, happy traveling!

Post adapted from our partner at Hungry For Travels.