The Four Phases of Married Sex: The Frequency, The Duration and The Truth

Having been married over ten years, I can attest to the stages of married sex, year by year. Oh it’s all hot and heavy in the beginning, but eventually things do change and it becomes what you make it. Have no fear though, what was old becomes new again! Want to know what you are in store for? See your married sex frequency (MSF) number here, explained in phases!

  1. Years 1-2: The Honeymoon Phase

Yes, it lasts that long. You love your spouse, you have time and energy, and there’s not much stress. You always do it on the weekends and most weeknights after Jimmy Fallon. You lose all sense of time, it can go on for an hour or two during the week (depending solely on who has an early meeting) and weekends can be a marathon session that never really ends. Enjoy this period, for it is glorious.

MSF: 6x a week (5x if you are just too hungover)

  1. Years 3-7: The Child Bearing and Rearing Phase

You and your partner usually decide to have kids somewhere in this range. Sex may become mechanical as the woman often becomes obsessed with paying attention to her cycle and figuring out “the best time” to have sex.

Then you eventually release the spawn and never ever sleep again. Ever. For at least a good five years. Also, you might decide to add to your brood, which means even less sleep and sex. You don’t want to get it on regularly, you’re tired and a myriad of other reasons enter into play – from performance anxiety to alcohol not metabolizing like it once did. When you do manage to get some action – it’s pretty quick. Gone are the marathon sessions. Who has the time or energy for that?

Some couples institute a once a week policy, some once a month. Check your policy and good luck. The mechanics can be hard. Sometimes there are kids in your bed, other times you might need to crawl in to a crib. It happens. Sex does not (often).

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Embrace the quickie; it will get you by. If you are still in need of some help check out this book by Tina Tessina, a psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex, And Kids: Stop Fighting About The Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.

MSF: 1x a week/ month/year *policy dependent

  1. Years 8-10: The Stella Got her Groove Back Phase

It’s finally happening, your kids are all starting to sleep through night and in their designated places. Your career is steady—as you are no longer in the “let-me-stay-late-answer-emails-to-all-hours-and prove myself” period at work and life is pretty good. You BOTH even lost that baby weight! (Dad bod be gone!)  This is when couples start to rediscover themselves. “Who was I before little Johnny and Mary came along?” You may even start to really enjoy your spouse again. Hell, you two even have your own secret language.

Maybe you two crazy kids decide it’s time for a vacation sans CHILDREN. Go ahead, dream it and it can happen. Believe me the very first thing you will want to do when you check in to that hotel is have sex. This is the reconnection period, where you establish new routines and possible a two to three times a week schedule. And foreplay is your best friend. Sex can now last again for more than five minutes. It might even go a whole hour!

MSF: 3x a week

  1. Years 11 & Beyond: The Golden Years

It’s not really a phase, it’s more like a new lifestyle. Somewhere in here, the kids get bigger and eventually leave the house. You are a little wiser and a lot calmer. You might have some ailments. Know what is good for that? Sex!

You feel more confident in your own skin. If you are a woman around 38 to 42, you are at your sexual PEAK (!) and hey, he isn’t going to complain.  Sex is fun and often usually falling into a three to five times a week frequency. Marathons may return! Keep working out and eating healthy— this will ensure your frequency and duration stays strong! All your hard work and self-imposed abstinence has paid off. Go, have sex. Enjoy.

MSF: infinity and beyond….