10 Ways a Road Trip With Your Spouse Will Bring You Closer (Than You Ever Wanted to Be)

My husband and I are about to be in a car with each other for nearly 70 hours. While he is my soulmate/beloved/man-I-want-to-have-a- hockey-team-of-cats with, we tend to drive (road trip humor!) each other bananas when we’re confined in small spaces for too long.

Here are 10 reasons why I’m afraid one of us might be left hitchhiking.

1. I’m a little bit country, he’s a little bit his-music-makes-me-want-to-Thelma & Louise-myself.

Nothing makes me want to rise and shine at dawn to drive through endless miles of cornfields like…Roxy Music?

tumblr_nndidz0aTq1soti42o1_4002. I’m not lovin’ it.

My beloved husband can eat way more McDonald’s than even McDonald’s recommends. True story: He made a documentary in college about his quest to eat 10 McDonald’s cheeseburgers in one sitting. I’ll just say, we’ll be driving with the windows down A LOT.

3. “How can you be hot?” vs. “My nipples could cut glass…so let some warm air in.”

The battle for control of the air conditioning is a fierce one. I’m convinced he gets the “meat sweats” from all that McDonald’s.

4. I didn’t ask to take a road trip with my dad.

Sure I love “moo-cows” and “horseys” as much as the next gal, but when you point out the 200th one in 24 hours, the magic is gone.

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132gz15. And speaking of my dad, he understands that I mastered the finer points of automobile safety 30 years ago.  

“Is your seatbelt fastened?”…”Are you all buckled up?”…”You still strapped in?” Yes, dear, I’ve been strapped into this godforsaken car since Kansas.

6. “Jimmy Fallon DOES TOO count in Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon!”

Apparently more than a way to pass the time, car games demonstrate your command of obscure knowledge, your prowess at outsmarting your opponent, and your superior powers of observation. Command. Prowess. Superior Powers. (Oh…this one is about my issues.)

7. Darling, you’re not Knight Rider and our rental Ford Fiesta is not KITT. 

“What’d you do? Get up on the wrong side of the garage this morning?”

“Gimme all you got KITT!”

“Michael Knight, a lone crusader in a dangerous world.”

Seriously, who knows so many Knight Rider quotes?

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8. “Oh look! It’s ‘Psycho Carl’s Serial Killer Roadside Body Farm,’ let’s ask for directions there!”

Please, please just trust me and the GPS with directions. (Alright, fine. If I saw a place called “Psycho Carl’s Serial Killer Roadside Body Farm,” I’d make my husband pull over for a photo op and a magnet.)

9. “Can’t you hold it? You just peed in Memphis.”

“But we’re  only in Atlanta!” Oops. That’s my bad. Maybe my husband isn’t wrong when he says I treat bathroom breaks as a privilege not a right.

10. While all this may sound like a nightmare, it’s our nightmare, baby! 

There’s nobody I’d rather be trapped in a stinky, frigid, art rock blasting, Knight Rider quoting, economy hatchback with than my husband. He’s the Harold to my Kumar, the Clark Griswold to my Ellen, the, Britney Spears to my Zoe Saldana in that Crossroads movie.

I’m sure there will be times on our upcoming our road trip that I’ll want to leave my husband with Psycho Carl. But I would never actually do it. Any adventure is always more fun with him, cheeseburgers and all.